Gambling on Life: Pay attention to stress!

This post, like others that will follow it, is a continuation of my Gambling On Life series.

Well, it has been a very long time since this has happened, but..

.. I hit my stress tripwire. That one big fucking sign that - if I don't deal with it - I'm going to start having a lot of problems.. Both mental and physical. I was already feeling a bit down, but this is.. different.

Let me explain.

I've dealt with stress all my life; Health problems, social conflicts, and more plagued me since I was tiny. In my youth I didn't really understand what was going on; I never realized that what I was experiencing wasn't just an everyday part of existing. Fear, anxiety, dread and more would overwhelm me to the point to where I would break down emotionally over the dumbest shit.

As I became an adult, I learned more about what was going on. I realized I was stressed.. Of course, I didn't fully realize what was happening until I was working the most stressful job I have ever had, and had already tore through the caution tape trying to give me a hint that shit is fucked.

I mean, I knew shit was fucked, and there wasn't much I could do to resolve that given I needed a job, but.. Yeah.

After I finally left that job, things started getting better. My hair grew back. My chest wasn't quite as tight. I didn't feel like I was carrying a massive fucking burden on my back.

Then I started to get stressed again, and discovered the warning signs I was getting.

It wasn't the hair loss from alopecia areata; If I hit that point, I had already crossed that tripwire and was feeling the negative effects in a very significant way.

It was the nightmares that always focused on death that followed some (minor for me) elevated heart rates and respiratory issues.

That's my big, obvious clue that I need to immediately do something before it gets worse.

A few nights ago, I had one of those nightmares; I was already dealing with some chest tightness, and ended up having an asthma attack. My heart rate was elevated, but I had assumed that was from the COVID vaccine I had just gotten the previous weekend.

Warning: Disturbing narrative surrounding animal torture ahead - skip ahead to the heading "How I dealt with the stress" if you don't want to read it.

Here's the nightmare that helped me make my decision.

My nightmare

Most of my nightmares tend to be fairly grounded in reality; Everything looks and feels like the real world, with typically only a handful of minor differences.. Maybe I'm back at my old college visiting, I'm still in an old apartment, or the room arrangement is slightly different.

This one was set in my house, and everything was so precise in similarity to the real world that I definitely had no clue it wasn't real..

..Which makes what I experienced even more disturbing, because it seemed so real.

We have cats that I like to call "community kitties"; they come hang out on our porch, so we've set up some general amenities for them because I fucking love animals and - were I not severely allergic - would absolutely set up a cat door to let them come inside the house.

In my nightmare, I went outside to provide a snack for the kitties, and 3 of them were already on the porch waiting for me.

They were waiting for me because they needed help; They had limbs torn off, bloody wounds all over their body, and were crying out in pain..

..Even writing this is making me tear up right now, and I know this wasn't real.

I cried out for Jess to come.. I tried to love on them, to provide them some comfort, but even my touch caused them discomfort.

I fully expected them to die right in front of me until I woke up.

Despite the short nature of this nightmare, it had impact; most of the worst nightmares I've had like this are short, thankfully, but they still disturb me well after I've woken up.

How I dealt with the stress

So, as I noted - that was my tripwire. That warning sign that I've learned is a big fucking clue that I need to fix shit.

The first step is always to identify the sources of stress affecting you currently, and in my case, it's always multiple things.

For me my stress is related to my concern about what I will do if my current treatment doesn't help with my RA, general concerns about my health, some personal relationship challenges, and the fucking dumpster fire that is America right now (Renee Good did not deserve to fucking die, full stop).

So, I had to make some changes. In this case, nothing permanent; I am just getting a bit too focused on some things and need a fucking break.

Here's what I did:

First: I disabled notifications for all my social media and news apps, closed all my tabs related to the same, and actively avoided opening anything news or social media related.

I needed to - first and foremost - not let myself get stressed about what is going on, because I am not going to be able to change anything right that second, and I'm not going to be of any use to my fellows in the resistance if I die from heart failure.

Next, I told the folks I talk to regularly that I am not interested in talking about anything going on in the news unless it's something I will need to deal with over the next few days (like a boil order or traffic interrupting planned travel). If I can't do anything about it, and it doesn't impact me directly? It'll keep.

Then, I took a day off from work. This was so I could get my heart rate and breathing under control, which is easiest done with regular meditation on top of my inhaler.

Once that was done? I went shopping; I actually had intended to do this at some point regardless, but decided to do it that day because I could combine it with some emotional therapy: Saying hello to all the animals at PetCo. After that nightmare? Yeah, I needed to look at all the furry, feathery and scaled critters and reassure myself (our PetCo isn't bad as far as caring for the critters go, so I was unlikely to see anything depressing).

Later in the day, Jess and I went to go swimming, which is ordinarily what I do for my PT to stave off progression of my CMT and keep up some level of activity.. This time, though, I was going to focus purely on relaxation. Despite my joint pain caused by being submerged (yeah, I don't get it either), just floating in the water can really help me clear my head and take some pressure off my body (literally as well as figuratively).

After about 40 minutes of just floating, I came home, and did some gaming..

..Not ordinary gaming, mind you: I wanted to avoid anything potentially triggering or stressful, so I grabbed a game I was curious about: Journey.

I'll be doing a full review of it on Nerfed Gamer News, but it was exactly what I needed.

Combine that with enjoying a lot of good music - Melody Gardot is good for more than getting in the mood, so to speak - and I'm doing much better. My chest tightness is gone, my asthma attack has abated, and I'm smiling more.

I'll still be avoiding news and social media until Monday, but thankfully just 4 days is all I need to be able to get back to where I want to be with my stress levels..

..And you can be damned sure I'm going to take it easy on the doom scrolling and news consumption for a while yet.